Just typing the title to this post, I got all choked up and teary-eyed. My baby boy started kindergarten last Wednesday, August 13. Five days later, when I really think about it and all this change means for us (and really me) I can hardly handle the emotions.
Wow. Can the last five and a half years at home with him really be over? Over? Can the baby I nursed, cuddled, loved, changed diapers, fed, rocked be off? To kindergarten? To the road to independence....to not needing me? He is. Tomorrow morning will come, and I have to take him back. Again and again.
A chapter closed, a chapter opening. An end, and a beginning. They say the best is yet to come. I try hard to believe it. But the past five and a half years, getting to be a mommy -- the best job in the world and the only job I've ever wanted -- have been amazing. Out of this world. I would do every single day over again if given the opportunity; even the puke-covered, temper tantrum tainted, utterly exhausting ones. To be a mommy to a little one, for just one day. That's a gift.
It's gut wrenching to let them go. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Like rip your heart out. I haven't been able to eat while he's been at school. Because as much as I know he's having fun and learning what he needs to know, he's not where my heart needs him. I'm just having to readjust to life without my buddy right by my side. And, it's hard.
But Fawn? Fawn's great. Fawn's happy, Fawn's thriving. Fawn starts each day and ends each day with a smile on his face. Fawn's loving his teacher, making new friends, and getting into a routine. I pray that this year, this fun-filled, kindergarten year is the spark that makes him love school and love to learn. Because school is awesome -- and BWF is a dream.
And I know God's got this -- he's got my boy. My boy, not my baby, at the exact right age he's supposed to be right now. Becoming independent and learning to be a man. And, he's got me. My tears and emotions, my fears and longing for days now gone. Learning to be a mom to a big kid, no longer the mommy to a baby.
Fawn, when you read this when you are older I don't want you to feel bad that I was so sad. I want you to know how much I adore you. I want you to know how thankful I am for every second I got to spend with you as you grew up. I want you to know how proud of you I am. And, I want you to know that my heart was forever changed by getting to be your mommy, by learning to care for and selflessly love you. I am better -- much better -- because of you.
I know there is joy in the new chapter -- I saw it this weekend as we spent a family weekend at the farm. I saw it tonight as I read Fawn Charlotte's Web out loud. I know it's there. And, I know one day I will look back and chuckle over my emotions. God has wonderful things in store for us -- I trust in that and cling to the joy that certainly is to come.
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